Let's talk about DEATH
Funeral director pens book to ease our fears about dying

By Darrell Halen
MethuenLife Writer

As Rick Dewhirst explains in his new book, "The Death Care Journey," we live in a society that plans for everything, including weddings, birthday celebrations and anniversaries. We buy car insurance. We establish retirement plans.
But when it comes to planning for their own deaths, Dewhirst writes, many people completely avoid it. It's a subject they're not comfortable with, and that lack of planning can produce unpleasant financial and emotional consequences.
Dewhirst's book, however, serves as a resource for proper death-care planning. He draws on his 35 years spent in the funeral business and as someone who also has lost loved ones.
"My contention is, that you don't wait. You start doing some of this planning and you start learning about the process," said Dewhirst of the Emmert & Dewhirst Funeral Home on Broadway. "The more people learn about the process, the less scary it is and the better job I can do as a funeral-care professional. If I know what a family wants prior to the actual event happening, I can be a much better funeral provider."
Throughout his 100-page book, Dewhirst covers several topics, including the role of the funeral service advisor and the importance of choosing the right one; the importance of assembling a team of legal, spiritual and financial advisors to work with the funeral director; funeral pre-planning and funeral trusts; and the recovery that follows the loss of a loved one.
"Wouldn't it stand to reason then that we might try to plan as best we could for our death or the death of someone we love and care for?" writes Dewhirst, who knows that although people realize they are going to die, they don't want to "get down and dirty with death." "Planning for these deaths makes complete and perfect sense, yet people either minimize its impact or fail to plan altogether."
Dewhirst's company, which provides funeral care at five facilities in four communities, is distinct from traditional funeral homes. It provides care to clients before, during and after they experience a loss.
"Our focus is more of a triage type of a focus with families after their loss," said Dewhirst. "Basically, we're there to befriend a family. We've already gotten them through a very difficult time in their lives. We've created a bond. Our funeral directors are very close with the families at that time. And when everyone else leaves, the families to go back to their own lives and these folks are there trying to get to the next level. We're a very safe place to talk to, to contact, to confide in. People can come to us and we go to them."
In his chapters, Dewhirst shares stories of families he's encountered over the years and how they were impacted by the lack of proper planning. He writes, too, about his own loss, including the death of his grandfather, who was a mentor to him.
"I've been on the other side of the desk," said Dewhirst. "So I write the book not only from the funeral professional aspect but I also write it with several stories of my own epiphanies based on being the one who's experienced the loss."
Dewhirst has done public speaking and volunteer work in the community. He discovered that many people had questions about common subjects. They were curious about the embalming process, cremation, how to purchase caskets, types of service options, and other topics.
Dewhirst, who has done some teaching and writes a newspaper column, decided to pen an informative book that would be helpful to readers.
"I'm a big proponent of taking funeral care out of the funeral homes and into the community where people aren't intimidated by it," said Dewhirst. "As beautiful as our funeral homes are, people don't want to be here and I recognize that. So, I like to take the message to the people rather than ask the people to come here. I'd rather be on their turf than on mine where they're not really comfortable."
In one chapter, Dewhirst touches on four important areas of funeral planning: organizing the necessary information to complete a death certificate and other legal paperwork, planning the funeral ceremony, customizing the service and obituaries, and expenses.
A well-crafted obituary, Dewhirst writes later in the book, is a mini-biography. It lets you create your own "final writes," the process will move you to "get busy with living."
"Get out the pen and paper or laptop and start to chronicle your own life now," he writes. "Let your family know where it is filed. Be in charge of your own legacy."
Dewhirst also clears up some misconceptions about death care, and some of what he writes may surprise readers. For instance, he shares that people can rent a casket for a wake even when the body is to be cremated.
"A lot of people don't realize that we do a lot of the planning either outside the funeral home, in a person's home where they're much more comfortable or along with a trusted advisor - a CPA or a clergy (member) or a lawyer. Someone who is advising the family," he said. "We'll work with them to create a conceptual plan that includes all the directives, not just funeral planning."
Currently, Dewhirst's book, which was self-published and sells for $14.95, is available at his funeral homes and he is looking to have it available from online book sellers. The book is a good resource, he said, for anyone who wants to know more about all aspects of death care.
"I try to take the mystery away from it," he said. "I try to take the fear away, the trepidation. I'm really trying to get people to be a little more comfortable with an uncomfortable subject."

Funeral business becomes more varied, personal

When Rick Dewhirst started working in the funeral business 35 years ago, only about 5 percent of deaths were handled by cremation. Now, more than half of his clients are choosing cremation over burial.
And that's not the only changes he's witnessed.
Faith communities have changed dramatically over the years in how they impact services. And funeral care has evolved to be more than just immediate care.
"There wasn't any advance planning," Dewhirst recalled. "Nobody talked about it beforehand and nobody really dealt with the recovery. You were told to get on with your life. Funeral care for us was just very myopic, very one-sided. It was only about immediate care from the time of death to the time of the burial."
Dewhirst was born into a funeral home family — his father and grandfather were both funeral directors — and he followed them into the business in 1974.
"A lot of people are used to the funeral their grandparents had," Dewhirst said. "But that's not necessarily what the funeral of today or tomorrow is going to look like."
Dewhirst earned a Bachelor of Science degree in mathematics and statistical analysis from Fitchburg State College. He then earned an associate's degree in funeral service from New England Institute of Applied Arts and Sciences.
He holds the highest certifications in the industry, Certified Funeral Service Practitioner and Certified Preplanning Consultant.
It's rewarding, he said, anytime he can get a family successfully through the process of dealing with the loss of a loved one.
"It never stops being rewarding. If it did, I wouldn't be doing it," he said. "There's not one rewarding moment. It's every time we help the family successfully navigate through the death-care process and we get that family to a point where they're back to a semblance of normalcy, we've taken them through the minefield of the loss. That's always gratifying."
Still, his team encounters tough situations — such as the death of a young person or when someone dies due to tragic circumstances.
"We're as human as anybody. So we feel for the families just as much as everybody else, if it's someone we're very friendly with, if it's someone we have a close relationship with," Dewhirst said. "I've conducted services for family members of young people, tragic situations, things like that. They're just challenging situations and even after 35 years, if a challenging situation comes down, my heart bleeds for the family, it really does."